You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
