It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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