I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
