Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
