im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
