And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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