I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
