I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
