I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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