apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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