yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
