I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
They took my balls.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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