I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
