The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
