he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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