Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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