My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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