If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
