they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
