I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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