Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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