is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
