Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
