I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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