Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
