Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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