We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
