there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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