; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
