At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
