Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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