What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
