Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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