How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
