i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
