I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
