i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
