i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
