got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
