so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Can you bring me the toilet please
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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