So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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