your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
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I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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