I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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