I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
