I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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