you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
