I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
