my phone needs a breathalizer
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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