Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
