people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
