the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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