I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
