You just made me feel so damn special
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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