I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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