Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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